Where Do You Feel It? How Body Clues Help Kids Catch Big Feelings Early

Your eight-year-old is building a tower. It falls once, and he rebuilds it. It falls again, and he rebuilds it again. The third time it falls, the whole thing goes flying across the room, and there are tears and yelling before you can even get there.

It feels like it came out of nowhere. One second fine, the next second explosion.

But big feelings almost never come out of nowhere. They build, and they show up in the body long before they show up in behavior. Your child just didn't notice until the feeling was too big to handle.

Feelings live in the body first

Frustration often starts as tight hands or a clenched jaw. Worry can feel like a stomachache or a heavy chest. Embarrassment is usually a hot face. Anger can feel like your whole body speeding up.

When kids learn to notice those clues, they get an early warning system. They can catch a feeling while it's still small, when it's much easier to do something about it. That's the second question of the 3-Question Check-In Be Solid families are practicing this month: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? What do I need?

Try the Body Clue Check

1. Stop and scan. Pause and check in with your body, head to toe. Is anything tight, hot, shaky, heavy or fast?

2. Point to it. Have your child point to where they feel it. For younger kids, pointing is much easier than explaining: "Show me where the mad is."

3. Give it a name. Connect the clue to a feeling word. "My hands are tight and my face is hot. I think I'm frustrated."

Back to the tower. The next time you see his shoulders creep up or hear his voice tighten, you might say, "Let's do a Body Clue Check. Where are you feeling it?" He points to his hands. "Tight hands. What do you think that feeling is?" "Frustrated." "Yeah, that tower keeps falling. That's really frustrating." Now he's caught it and named it, and you can move to what he needs: a break, some help, or one more try with a wider base.

Practice when nothing is wrong

The best time to teach this is a calm day. Make it a game at bedtime: "Where do you feel happy in your body? Where do you feel tired?" Then try the harder ones: "Where do you think you feel worried?" Kids learn their own body map when the stakes are low, so they can use it when the stakes are high.

How it changes with age

Little ones do best with pointing and simple words like tight, hot and wiggly. School-age kids can start noticing patterns, like a stomach that always hurts on Sunday nights. Teens can use it quietly and on their own, which is the goal. A sixteen-year-old who notices "my chest gets tight before every test" has learned something they'll use for the rest of their life.

It works for us, too

The next time your jaw tightens during homework time, that's your body clue. Notice it, name it, and take a breath before you respond. Kids learn this skill fastest by watching the adults they love use it.

This week, try one Body Clue Check with your child on a calm day. Stop and scan, point to it, give it a name.

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Listen to the full Be Solid in 10 episode, "Where Do You Feel It?" Want a printable for the fridge? Get the free Feeling Words Menu, or start with the free 2-Minute SOLID Reset. And this month inside Be Solid Learning, parents, kids and families are practicing Notice & Name together, each at their own level. Families who join by Sunday, Nov 15 get the 5-Day Family Reset free.

— Bridget Barrus, LMSW, founder of Be Solid Learning